i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
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