is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
