So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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