Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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