my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
