your thong is hanging out like whoa
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize