fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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