I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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