well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Randomize
