she woke up with a sticky ear
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Holy shit dude........stairs
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