he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize