You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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