oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
You're a waste of cheezeits
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
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