He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
