go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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