I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
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