You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
