she kept yelling 'call me bella'
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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