so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
