I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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