i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
