Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
