The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
kristin has been a bad kristin
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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