you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
