remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
this is an emotional support booty call
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
i believe in u and ur pee
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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