woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
