If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
