Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
