first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
