at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
