Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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