you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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