New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
