i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
