I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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