What did we do last night that was yellow?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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