i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
50% drunk capacity currently
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
