Soap is not a condiment
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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