Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
