It's just like the Real World with babies
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
this must be what syphilis tastes like
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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