Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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