Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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