my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
