i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
