Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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