So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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