so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
