My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
