you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
