So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
