Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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