hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
