hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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