Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
