i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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