a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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