the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
