I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
