You smell like a Billy Joel song
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Randomize
