I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
