As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
