If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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